PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's a BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is true! I'm pregnant (-: Of course I've known for a while (almost five months now) but I wanted to wait to spread my news to the world (-;

How am I? Delighted. Excited, and so very hopeful. Those who know me well are aware of the past two pregnancies I've experienced, both ending tragically. For two years now my husband and I have wanted to create another child...

It's funny to think that I have been pregnant four times in all. It's amazing really.

The pregnancy and birth of my daughter eight years ago was a breeze. I was deliciously happy throughout my pregnancy, filled with bliss and hardly afflicted with the usual yucky things that come with the territory. I felt energetic and healthier than I had ever been! She was born a few days late; My body was waiting for the full moon to birth her and that is exactly what happened. She came into the world on the last full moon of the millenium. A magical birth with no drugs, no interference, and she was gently caught by the loving hands of my midwives in their small clinic in Toronto as a wild snow blizzard swirled and blew around outside.

The second time around was entirely a different story.

Of course I was elated to discover I was pregnant. I think Jason and I decided to give it a try and a month and a half later, ta-da! But things did not go well. I was sick beyond belief, sad, exhausted beyond the normal parameters of what is expected. I felt like something was just not right, even though the medical people I was dealing with at the time assured me everything seemed to be going normally..

When I was almost five months along I had my larger ultrasound, When the radiologist checks the baby's progress more thoroughly. Within moments I had a specialist before me, telling me there was something wrong, and she sent me across the road to another specialist in another medical building. This one told me that the baby was swollen, the heart was hardly beating, and it would probably die within a day or two.

I could feel it. The next day we took a walk in the country by a lake and at a certain point I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I just knew. So we called into the hospital and they booked us to come in the next morning. We had a friend care for Isabella and we spent the next 24 hours there while I was induced, laboured for 12 hours and finally birthed a tiny baby boy. He was beautiful and had Jason's lips. It was too far along in the pregnancy to do it in any other way, but all in all it wasn't such a horrific event in itself. I think Jason and I did the majority of our mourning during the previous two days, knowing what was to come.

It's a wonder the poor little one even made it that far,, His heart was oversized and the valves were backwards. There were a bunch of other odd malformations that occurred when he was forming initially which I cannot even recall anymore. It's no wonder the pregnancy was such hell for me. I imagine my body was working ridiculously hard to keep him going..

The third pregnancy ended in miscarriage at about 3 months. Again, I was miserable and sick and felt that something wasn't going right... Strangely, I was more traumatized by this one than by the one that came before. I guess because the previous one was such a shock, and such a fluke happening. With this miscarriage I really just thought it would all come together for us.

All of this happened over a period of over two years. I was violently opposed to trying yet again to become pregnant and decided that I just wouldn't do it. I couldn't go through the suffering and pain and eventual (and at this point, expected) loss again. But of course I changed my mind (-: It took around 7 or 8 months I think.

Life is such a funny thing.

I knew the very night it happened. There was a feeling of magic in it. I drew a lotus blossom on the calendar to mark the conception because that's how certain I was. And indeed, this pregnancy has been lovely in comparison to the past two. In fact, they are nothing the same. I did have a bit of nausea in the first three months but at least I could still eat. And while I have had spells of tiredness, I have also had spurts of energy accompanied with joy for absolutely no reason. My belly is rounding beautifully and Jason is in awe of this miraculous event we have ushered into our lives. My sweet baby has been making his presence known to me for a few weeks now with gentle bumps and kicks which leave me with an immensely peaceful, euphoric feeling which I can liken to the feeling of 'oneness' one can experience when practicing yoga or meditation. And Isabella, she is happy but really wanted a sister so we're working on that one!

Just yesterday we went as a family to my mid-point ultrasound. At first the baby was sleeping and I was panicked at the lack of movement, but then he started to stir and the radiologist mentioned that he was waking up. He then commenced to squirm and flip and roll over, making the job of assessing various body parts very difficult! A beautiful baby boy. And here I was almost certain that it would be a girl, having had dreams that alluded to that fact for months before! Ha! He had a strong little heart, perfectly formed, beating quickly, and was very willing to let us in on the grand secret that he was indeed, a boy (-:

Happy me. Happy day.

I have already made quite a few baby things; many pairs of pants, as well as onesies and t-shirts printed with Jason's and my artwork, felt booties, blankets, and I will begin knitting a sweater or two very soon. Jason brilliantly decorated a vintage wooden high chair ages ago in anticipation of a new family addition, and I have been collectin board books enough to fill the high chair!

Yes. All is very well indeed.